The Ticking Clock

There’s a lot that I want to do this year, but at the same time, there is very little. It’s going to be a rather mundane year of work and figuring out what the hell I’m going to do with my life after my one-year contract is over. Will I stay here? Will I try to pursue higher education? Will I move back to the States? Travel more? Move somewhere else? I’m twenty-five, and there is a lot that I want to do. I know I want to live in Spain… at some point. I know that I want to experience Central and South America… at some point. I know that I want to be home for the holidays in 2020. I know that I want to get my teaching certificate back in the States. However, I am here, in Hanoi, right now, for a reason.

I want to take advantage of living here while I actually am here. I know that I am going to look back, if I do decide to leave, and miss so many aspects of this country. Realistically, I am already down to 10 months remaining.

In terms of what I want to accomplish in those 10 months, I think this could, and hopefully will, be the most developmental time of my life in terms of self-improvement. I feel like self-improvement is always put on the back burner of many lives because there isn’t enough time, money, energy, whatever. I always joke that living in Hanoi is a good introduction to adulthood because I can survive here working only 20 hours a week, and that leaves me with a hell of a lot of free time for, you guessed it, self-improvement. I have the opportunity to figure things out at a slow pace, and there is very little pressure. There aren’t many years of one’s life where one can actually say that.

I think one of the biggest problems I face though is that there is not enough pressure. I thrive under pressure and deadlines; I live for the chaos of stress and keeping busy. Deadlines are things I need to start setting for myself, and that just isn’t as fun and I hardly feel accountable.

I guess, for now, I want to keep my goals simple. I am at the perfect place in my life to form habits and routines that will last, so I need to start them now because I have the time and freedom to do so.

For starters, I do not read enough. For someone who majored in English, I do not read enough. I believe in the power of the written word, yet my brain doesn’t get enough exercise or creative energy from other writers. That is one thing I want to fix in 2020. Get the hell off of YouTube and Netflix and stimulate my mind in a different way. I have no reason to not be productive.

On the same wavelength of creativity, I do not write enough. My blog has fallen flat, I don’t pour out my emotions into any creative outlet, and I really want to start honing in on my craft and perfecting it only for me. I used to write all the time in order to sort things out, and without doing so as often, I feel quite… confused. I think I need to start writing more out of basic necessity. I never aspire to be published; it’s weird enough including my poetry in my portfolio for employers with my blood and tears about love and heartbreak smeared on a page for all to see. So, I want to write more.

On the opposite end of resolutions, I want, no, I need to stop worrying about money. I am more financially secure than any other 25-year old I know who doesn’t depend on her parents for anything. I do not have student debt. I do not have any debt. I don’t have any reason to worry, and worrying does, in many ways, restrict my ability to live freely. Of course, it’s wise to be conscious of these things… but not to the extent that I am. In the simplest of terms, money freaks me the hell out. So, I want to be more financially free.

The holiday time is a shocking reminder of how much alcohol a person can consume; for that reason, I’m ready to officially decrease my consumption. It doesn’t add any value to my life, is financially draining, makes me feel horrible, and is generally a waste. I do love my red wine on days off, and it at least has antioxidants, but in general, I want to lay off the sauce and focus on my health.

I can already tell that 2020 is going to be a weird year. I brought in the New Year with a crazy cold, and we’re already two weeks into the year now. Additionally, I cannot, for the life of me, stop thinking about my future. Ideas are constantly being thrown around, and I am hoping that over the next 6 months or so, my future becomes more clear. Turning 25 has added a weird amount of societal pressure to my goals for absolutely no reason, and even though I try to ignore it, the pressure is still there.

Book/reading recommendations? Leave them below. I’m a Marquez, Fitzgerald, Wordsworth kinda girl.

Until next time,

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