I’ve been feeling a little “under the weather” lately in more ways than one; maybe it’s the pollution, maybe it’s this head cold that seems to be getting worse, maybe it’s a combination of those things with my first case of holiday blues.
This year been my first ever holiday season away from home. I know that being here is a choice, and honestly, I can’t complain about my life here; it is both enjoyable and simple. But missing home during the holiday season, I think, has been affecting me in ways that I wasn’t exactly… anticipating.
The holiday season is the time of year where the worlds of Facebook and Instagram become toxic; you see the best parts of everyone’s holidays. No one posts about the family drama or arguing; what is posted is supposed to be picture perfect and left at that. No one questions it, and you take it as “what you see is what you get.” That the happy families in their matching sweaters clinking wine glasses are having a great time and that that is reality. But it isn’t. I know that, but it still isn’t the best to witness from thousands of miles away — watching as everyone back home is with their families and reconnecting with friends, seemingly having the times of their lives.
Despite having a nice life for myself here, living as an expat is not all glitter and gold. The holidays reminded me of that… Big time. It can be lonely. It can be tiring getting to know new people. Sometimes I just want to walk into my sister’s house, uninvited, and go hang out with my niece and nephew. Sometimes I miss the burning chaos of how my mind felt as I was finishing my BA. Sometimes I miss the familiarity of “home” and driving 5 minutes to the beach when there’s tension built up inside of me.
It can be difficult to motivate myself to be more productive with my time because sometimes.. I have a lot of it. My work weeks are not jam-packed, and it leaves a little too much time for contemplation. I am always alone, and I always spend time alone, but never with so much free mental space. I am used to always having to set my mind to something no matter what. It’s an adjustment, though; I know that in time I will find the right balance.
While I’m on a roll here, I might as well say that it hasn’t been easy figuring out what the hell I’m supposed to do in a year when my contract is up. Of course, it isn’t something that is necessarily pressing, but at the same time.. it’s something I need to start thinking about. A year used to feel like forever; now, a year passes in the blink of an eye. I’m already down to 11 months. I think the holiday season is putting even more pressure on my heart as I think about my future because right now, all of my emotions are heightened as I miss my weird, dysfunctional family and my friends who know me inside and out. The way I feel has been putting a lot of things into perspective regarding what I value as important. Maybe it’s because I’m about to turn 25; I feel like I should have more figured out, and while I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, it’s difficult not to at times like the holiday season where family seems like the most important thing in the world.
Either way, I know that I have time. I think what I’m supposed to do will be more clear as the clock keeps ticking.
Until then, I am looking forward to 2020. Figuring all of this out. Focusing on myself without the mental noise of romance or drama. This is my time. No one else’s.
Until next time,